Do you ever find yourself doing things because you are supposed to? I mean, doing things - not because you want to but because that's the way its always been. Like the RIGHT thing to do is go to college. The right thing to do is get a job. The right thing to do (which is optional depending on who you ask) is to go back to school for masters. Then you are supposed to meet that special someone and get married. Buy a house. Have kids. Rinse and repeat.
Somehow on the way of all this life-planning, I forgot what I want. I found I spend 95% of my time planning and 5% actually being alive. I know I am going to wake up at 37 and wonder where it all went. Everyone keeps telling me "Live, live" and I smile and node. But what exactly is living? Spending money? Hanging out with friends? Reading?
Everyone seems so good at telling me what a good life is. So please, tell me what exactly it means to live. Sometimes, it feels like we are the sophisticated cattle. We are born. We eat. We grow. We give birth. We mother. We die. See the resemblance? I do.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I used to be happy once. Truly happy. I remember. Then somehow (actually I know exactly how) I lost it. I lost my wonderful radiance. Now what you see is a broken hollow shell of the essence I used to be. I know how to fake it. I've become really good at it. There are only two people in this world who see that shell. My mother is one of them. She is always asking why I can't just be. Why I can't move on and go back to the way things were. What if I have forgotten how to? Forgotten how to exist? I remember it but I just can't make my way back to it.
I'm terrified of being alone but its the only thing I know well. So I cling to it with everything I have. I feel it eating at me and at my soul. It has become my familiar and my enemy. Without it I despair, with it I despair! Wonderful, sweet agony.
When I am around people, there is a moment of relief. But something always triggers me - as if a reminder that everything around me is a facade. And if I am to enjoy it, I should realize exactly what it is. Then I start to feel my beautiful smile fade into the hollowness that won't leave me alone. I remember that my beautiful smile is a lie. Or maybe it isn't a lie but for a brief moment I was able to embrace what I thought was unreachable. Maybe.
As much as I have been able to smile and be "happy", there are many times I feel myself cracking. But it's strange. When I come undone, there's nothing on the inside. Absolutely nothing. I feel myself having thousands, millions of thoughts. But at the end of the day, I can't remember any of them. I feel me watching myself.
I live for you because you fought so hard to put all these broken pieces of me back together. I live so you won't have a broken heart. I live to hear your voice because that sometimes is the only thing that gets me to the end of the day. I hope your prayers come true and I do truly find my way.
Disclaimer: This could very well be the medication I am taking to rid myself of this damn cold.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Confessions
Posted by Anonymous at 3:41 PM
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3 comments:
And what medication might that be?
Nyquil.
JUUUMMMIIIIEEEEE, I find myself feeling that way too. except..well, Spain has made that kind of impossible most of the time, lately, but I am also forbidden (by myself) to think about the future.
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