A little lullaby.

We are all fanatics about death.



WHEN DID I GET SO MORBID?

Confessions

Do you ever find yourself doing things because you are supposed to? I mean, doing things - not because you want to but because that's the way its always been. Like the RIGHT thing to do is go to college. The right thing to do is get a job. The right thing to do (which is optional depending on who you ask) is to go back to school for masters. Then you are supposed to meet that special someone and get married. Buy a house. Have kids. Rinse and repeat.

Somehow on the way of all this life-planning, I forgot what I want. I found I spend 95% of my time planning and 5% actually being alive. I know I am going to wake up at 37 and wonder where it all went. Everyone keeps telling me "Live, live" and I smile and node. But what exactly is living? Spending money? Hanging out with friends? Reading?

Everyone seems so good at telling me what a good life is. So please, tell me what exactly it means to live. Sometimes, it feels like we are the sophisticated cattle. We are born. We eat. We grow. We give birth. We mother. We die. See the resemblance? I do.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I used to be happy once. Truly happy. I remember. Then somehow (actually I know exactly how) I lost it. I lost my wonderful radiance. Now what you see is a broken hollow shell of the essence I used to be. I know how to fake it. I've become really good at it. There are only two people in this world who see that shell. My mother is one of them. She is always asking why I can't just be. Why I can't move on and go back to the way things were. What if I have forgotten how to? Forgotten how to exist? I remember it but I just can't make my way back to it.

I'm terrified of being alone but its the only thing I know well. So I cling to it with everything I have. I feel it eating at me and at my soul. It has become my familiar and my enemy. Without it I despair, with it I despair! Wonderful, sweet agony.

When I am around people, there is a moment of relief. But something always triggers me - as if a reminder that everything around me is a facade. And if I am to enjoy it, I should realize exactly what it is. Then I start to feel my beautiful smile fade into the hollowness that won't leave me alone. I remember that my beautiful smile is a lie. Or maybe it isn't a lie but for a brief moment I was able to embrace what I thought was unreachable. Maybe.

As much as I have been able to smile and be "happy", there are many times I feel myself cracking. But it's strange. When I come undone, there's nothing on the inside. Absolutely nothing. I feel myself having thousands, millions of thoughts. But at the end of the day, I can't remember any of them. I feel me watching myself.

I live for you because you fought so hard to put all these broken pieces of me back together. I live so you won't have a broken heart. I live to hear your voice because that sometimes is the only thing that gets me to the end of the day. I hope your prayers come true and I do truly find my way.


Disclaimer: This could very well be the medication I am taking to rid myself of this damn cold.

BLOGGING

I can't believe I am actually blogging. I kinda gave that up years ago. But here I am. In my mind, blogging is being completely emo or informative about things people give a damn about. Guess which one I am? Here's a hint: ____________


In conclusion, the reason for this post is all I want to do is fast forward to friday so that I can hide under my covers all weekend.


The end.

Grr.

I have been sleeping. But sleep lately is being completely unsatisfactory. I am not enjoying it anymore. -_-

And it makes me think I didn't sleep. I wake up rested but not happily rested. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?!?!


These posts are pointless.

Posting about SOMETHING

So I am not sure what I am supposed to post about. I guess putting a year long entry would be...long. So I am going to say...I love it out here. Not sure if I fit in very well though. It's kinda hard to go from having fantastic friends all the time to just one that I can see maybe twice out of a month.

I miss home and I call my family a little too often for their tastes I think. Oh well. They can't get rid of me. I call Aaron on almost a daily basis. Thank God for AT&T free minutes mobile-to-mobile. With Vickie out of the country for a while, I won't go over my minutes monthly for a little while. Hehehe.

Let's see. I started grad school and I hate it. I hate going to school and working. Not only do I feel there isn't enough time ever, I don't feel motivated sometimes. It might help if there was someone to nag me. But I have to self-motivate myself which is annoying.

I love the heat. Everyone is always "OMG. It's SO HOT." I don't mind it. Except if there is any sort of humidity. Then it becomes unbearable. It really freaking does.

Let's see....haven't seen any mountain lions (yet). I am going to go body boarding this summer (yaaay). I guess that's it for now. I have a headache and I need to study tomorrow again. Exam on friday then I will be FREE for a little while - Final Exam end of March.

1+ year later

THERE I POSTED. More to come....perhaps.